Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Randomize
