Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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