we made out on top of his cat.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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