I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
