he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
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