Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
