I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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