So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Randomize
