Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
my being single is dangerous.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
