I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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