and you said cock pushups were impossible
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
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