Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
