it's too hot outside to masturbate.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
