dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Randomize
