ya dads aren't the best wingmen
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
