Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
