Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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