This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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