Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
