how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize