come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Randomize
