I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Randomize
