I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
