I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
