ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
