Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
