i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Randomize
