I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
