just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
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