Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
