No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
