I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
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