after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
