I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Just took my morning after pill in the library
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
