You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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