On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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