so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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