I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
