I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
