The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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