let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
