pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
