The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
