i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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