I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
