You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
