if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
Randomize
