When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
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