We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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