We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
