i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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