I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Randomize
