Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
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