when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
its not stalking. its research.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I'm always down for nudity.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
