Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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