We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
