thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
