So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I'm too high and old for this...
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Text me some of your sweat
Randomize
