Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
