I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
