I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
