Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Randomize
